My Epiphany

"And then you woke up"  Have you ever had this sarcastic remark spoken to you, right after you told a friend or a loved one of some crazy warped idea that you have, which they couldn't fathom or get. To bring you sharply to reality they usually say, " And then you woke up".  Recently something happened to me that caused me to do just that, not physically but spiritually.  It was something I had promised myself I would never do but I did it quite innocently forgetting my past statement.

When my father died it was sudden I saw him on the Thursday and he was gone on the Saturday. It was a shock. I didn't want to accept it. There was a funeral , there were pictures taken it was recorded on video , and I vowed never to watch any of those.  Recently though on holiday or vacationing overseas with my family I found myself doing just that quite by accident. Seeing my dad's dead body did not affect me at first, then I saw it again and again, and then I saw him just before he was placed in the ground, I had not looked him properly even at the funeral because my heart was not able.

But I did so on that day, and it hit me again, my dad was dead. Of course like a normal human I began to cry, quite deeply and uncontrollably, my whole body was weak I fell to my knees, and in that moment I had an epiphany.My life would never be the same.

In that moment many of the people that I have encountered in my life flashed before my eyes. Those I hurt and those who I perceived had hurt me.  Some of whom I thought I had forgiven, but on that day I realized I had not forgiven them I was still hurting, but I chose to let it all go, every hurt every pain every perceived wrong.

I saw myself struggling through online school for these past few years, and missing out on so much. My son and husband even my church have not had all of me, my attention, my time. But on that day I let it go completely. My pursuits and passion changed.

When I got up from my knees what I wanted was to love deeper than I had ever loved before, give more of myself than I had ever given.  In short I want to live a life that has been poured out,  to empty my self in every way that I could, whether it be through writing, singing, a word of encouragement or just a smile to someone who needs it. 

Holding on to offences, trying to keep up with the latest trends, trying to be the best looking woman in the room,  trying to have a bachelors and masters the doctorate degree does not even matter, trying to have smaller waist , longer hair,  a thinner nose, clearer whiter skin, flawless skin, the next promotion, a high paying job, a story book romantic relationship...these things will end, what matters is loving people and doing so passionately. I will never see my dad on this earth again I cannot repair and do what I should have done but I can most certainly love those who are here right now. 

Kisses